The Ultimately Achievable List of Resolutions for a New Year!

I like to celebrate the New Year a week or two late. I mean, every New Year’s Eve (around 2pm) I seem to find myself with an insatiable need to reorganize my whole house, lose 50 pounds, paint my living room, minimize my ‘stuff’ and write something spectacularly literary ALL by midnight. So I can welcome the new year with a clean, peaceful slate.

I came to the conclusion long ago that each person should have their own new year anyway, and that day should fall on their birthday. I like this because my birthday is in the middle of January … thus, I could take a few extra days to think about any resolutions I might want to begin.

This year however, I think I nailed it!!! So I wanted to share with you the Ultimately Achievable List of Resolutions for a New Year!

1)    Drink at least one glass of water every ten days.

2)    Remember at least one family member’s birthday on the day it happens. No need for a phone call or to send a belated card, it was remembered in time. That is all that’s needed.

3)    Gain at least 5lbs by the close of the year.

4)    Sit on the sofa at least 2 hours a night watching TV while doing nothing productive.

5)    While we’re on the topic of productivity: do nothing productive, or at least half ass everything attempted.

6)    Start smoking.

7)    Learn nothing new. If someone offers information that causes you to learn something, refuse to retain any of it.

8)    Eat at least one starch with each meal and a full serving of dessert every day.

9)    Don’t move … and if movement should happen, no calling it exercise.

10)   Stress out over every little thing.

11)   Don’t volunteer … to drive anyone anywhere, to do anything, bring anything, take anything … don’t volunteer.

12)   Put dishes, clothes, groceries and other items away in the wrong place so as to spend the entire year UNORGANIZED.

13)   Don’t finish any