As New Year’s Day opens up before me, I find my skin is itching with an insatiable need to reorganize my whole house before the calendar says January 2. Lose 50 lbs in the next eight hours. Paint the upstairs bathroom before dawn tomorrow. Minimize my ‘stuff’ by maybe, throwing it all on the front lawn. Trash collection comes tomorrow. Write something spectacularly literary in the next three hours. And last, figure ‘it’ all out and wake at least by the 2nd day of the New Year with a clean, peaceful slate.
Alas, none of that will happen, but it’s okay. We’re preconditions to do this to ourselves in the light of a New Year. To do some sort of reassessment of ourselves and find that everything we ‘meant’ to do, never quite got done the way we’d hoped, finds us here (wherever here is) again, and we find that lack of motivation we meant to have the previous year has left us, well, lacking. But this year, THIS YEAR, will be our year and we’re gonna go get it! (Whatever “it” is.)
Personally, I say we put an end to this cycle. That is why, my dear friends, as 2020 opens up before us, I am going to gift myself and you, with the Ultimately Achievable List of Resolutions for a New Year!
Ready? Let’s go.
1) Drink at least one glass of water every ten days.
2) Remember at least one family member’s birthday on the day it happens. No need for a phone call or to send a belated card, it was remembered in time. That is all that’s needed.
3) Gain at least 2 lbs by the end of the year.
4) Sit on the sofa at least 2 hours a night watching TV while doing nothing productive.
5) While we’re on the topic of productivity. Do one productive thing, every two months. Dishes were done and laundry folded before Monday? Bam! Two months off baby.
6) Start smoking.
7) Learn nothing new. If someone offers information that causes me to learn something new, I will immediately let the information go and not retain it at all.
8) Eat at least one starch with each meal and a full serving of dessert every day. This will help fulfill resolution number 3.
9) Don’t move…and if movement should happen, no calling it exercise.
10) Stress out over every little thing.
11) Don’t volunteer…to drive anyone anywhere, to do anything, to bring anything, to take anything…just don’t volunteer.
12) Put dishes, clothes, items away in the wrong place so as to spend the entire year UNORGANIZED.
13) Don’t finish any