As New Year’s Eve draws close, I find my skin is itching with an insatiable need to reorganize my whole house before midnight; to lose 50 lbs in the next eight hours; to paint my living room; minimize my ‘stuff’ by dawn; write something spectacularly literary in three hours; and to figure ‘it’ all out and wake in the pre-dawn hours of a new year with a clean, peaceful slate.

Alas, none of that will happen but it’s okay.  We’re preconditions to do this to ourselves in the moments before a New Year; to do some sort of reassessment of ourselves and find that everything we ‘meant’ to do, never quite got done the way we’d hoped and here we are, again, lacking… but next year, next year….

I say we put an end to this cycle. That is why, my dear friends, as the last moments of 2013 slow and a new dawn approaches, I am going to gift myself and you, with the Ultimately Achievable List of Resolutions for a New Year!

1)      Drink at least one glass of water every ten days.

2)      Remember at least one family member’s birthday on the day it happens. No need for a phone call or to send a belated card, it was remembered in time.  That is all that’s needed.

3)      Gain at least 5-15 lbs by the close of 2014.

4)      Sit on the sofa at least 3 hours a night watching TV while doing nothing productive.

5)      While we’re on the topic of productivity.  Do nothing productive, or at least half ass everything attempted.

6)      Start smoking.

7)      Learn nothing new.  If someone offers information that causes me to learn something new, I will immediately let the information go and not retain it at all.

8)      Eat at least one starch with each meal and a full serving of dessert every day.

9)      Don’t move…and if movement should happen, no calling it exercise.

10)   Stress out over every little thing.

11)   Don’t volunteer…to drive anyone anywhere, to do anything, to bring anything, to take anything…don’t volunteer.

12)   Put dishes, clothes, items away in the wrong place so as to spend the entire year UNORGANIZED.

13)   Don’t finish any