My body is tingling, I don’t know how much more excitement it can handle at this old age. But I shouldn’t call myself old, cuz isn’t 40 the new 28 ½? I did this thing where you take a picture of yourself and plug it in to an app and then it tells you how old you really look. It said I look like I’m 38.
I’m way off track here.
I had a series of emails between myself and a possible agent. I had replied to her “look forward to hearing from you” too many times and needed something new. I called the English Teacher and the Front Office Manager (aka my parents) to ask for another sign off option.
A strange conversation ensued.
I read the emails to my dad first then asked for his advice.
Me: “Look dad, I’ve signed off ‘I look forward to hearing from you’ like three times now, what other way can I sign off?”
Dad: “Say if you liked that, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Then drop the mic.”
Me: “Dad, this isn’t a drop the mic moment.”
Dad: “Say my shit is awesome and you know you want it, then drop the mic.”
Me: “Dad, I’m not comfortable enough to say that to someone I am not sure is really hooked yet or not. I’m not…”
Dad: “Drop the mic!”
Me: “DAD! This is not a drop the mic moment, trust me when the drop the mic moment comes, I’ll drop the fucking mic!”
Dad: “Fine, what do I know. I’m telling you what I’d do. Here’s your mother, see what she has to say.”
Mom: (in a wonderfully motherly cheerleader voice) “Tell her everyone whose read it has loved and adored your writing and she needs to too.”
Me: *writes frantically and presses send.
Me: “Okay folks, thanks for your help.”
Mom: “What did you just do?”
*I read what I wrote and sent. “I’m so glad you’re enjoying it, I had so much fun writing this book. Attached is the full manuscript. Regards.”
Mom: “Hmph, you should have told her how amazing you are.”
Dad: (in the background) “and dropped the mic!”
Jesus all I wanted was to know another way to say “I look forward to hearing from you.”
The thing is, I was a little excited because I am finally attacking this element of my writing career better than I have before. I’ve queried agents before, but it was rather half-ass attempts. This year I’m doing my homework, I have a strong query letter that is opening doors and I am more confident in my writing than I’ve ever been.
So, as this is my platform to get all my issues off my chest, cuz it’s cheaper than therapy, here’s what I really wanted to say in my reply email:
*The following is to be read hysterically and almost incoherently.
Oh my God I can’t believe you’ve contacted me and I thank you so much for liking my little book and here is the rest and I think you’re going to love it and I’m totally open to suggestions you have for editing and I want you to be my agent because your agency represents Chuck Wendig who is my hero and who I feel a strange bond with because I love his website, I love his writing, he is 40 and he has a kid who is 4 and he swears a lot and he too had to struggle and he too grew from the struggle and I love what it made him and I have been cyber stalking you all over the internet and read every interview you’ve given and you sound like the friend who got me writing in the first place and if you think you like this writing so far, just wait until I tell you I have six other books that are pretty ready to start working on and another nine that are half written awesome ideas and about 4 short story books and all this other writing because I am a prolific writer and holy crap please call me, please like my words, please be my agent and shit in one of your interviews you said to tell you if we had websites and stuff but I never told you and I have one and I love my writing on it and crap, CALL ME!
*Takes a deep breath.
I decided to be a little more professional at the stage, it seemed like the thing to do.
Of couse now, as hind sight is 20/20, she gave me a little bit of constructive criticism and I totally should have said that I see where she is coming from and open to talking about those kinds of changes with her. That would have made me seem like someone who would be easy to work with.
And that’s why I didn’t drop the mic.